Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

Santa had a dream of buying a motorised sleigh   Leave a comment

Santa had a dream of buying motorised sleigh

and was penny-pinching on the night

before christmas day



just as his reindeer decided to go on strike

on that fateful evening before christmas night



they complained so bitterly

of all the hard work they had  done throughout the year

and wages weren’t good enough

to buy  food and beer


you want us to work

you had better bring on

the christmas cheer


what do you mean I pay you a decent wage

what gruel, stale water and yesterdays stew

we want the pounds not the pence


hooves stamped up and down santa sat crying tears

why now why this year



you will  have all the  children

crying and buckets fall of tears


enough is enough

Rudolph was heard to say

as hooves stamped up and down

while santa cried with dismay


well Ebenezer santa Scrooge give us a pay rise

and well move our hooves

we have basic rights just like you



christmas comes but once a year

so how about some christmas cheer



so steak and chips  and with plenty  off beer

and lots  mulled wine and decent pay

and we will stay and work for you today



with a christmas bonus thrown in too

is this too much to ask off you



and not a pot of gruel and stale water each day

do we deserve to be treated this way



we know are rights and we are being abused

as hooves stamped up and down



too a chorus off

we are not amused

we are not amused



pounds and pence

pounds and pence

not gruel and stew


well Ebenezer santa Scrooge


if you want these presents delivered by christmas day

you had better make a decision

and we will be on our way



or they’re will be riots this christmas day

as children and parents bitterly complain

and unions will end up sacking you



your monopoly over christmas and presents

would have had its day

that would be the end of santa s  rule

over christmas day


no more santa s he heh he

the story will appear in the papers

for people to see



as Rudolph and his rebellious reindeer’s

had the last laugh going on strike

on christmas eve


as Ebenezer santa Scrooge

retired to count his losses today



the story of santa clause

had long passed away



an old tradition ruined

by a naughty reindeer

and his wicked ways


moral of story is give your staff

a decent pay



or suffer same fate this christmas day


floppy eared rabbits dinner for two   2 comments

Rabbits running riot running so free



cute little bunnies very sweet like you

made nice little dinner and a snack or two



only problem was fur gets between my teeth

whilst hopping so madly whilst i am trying to eat


if they weren’t so cute and didn’t hop so madly

I would have let them run free



then christmas dinner  would have been so sad

on what would have been such a good day



would have been turned mad

with floppy eared carrot crunchers

driving me mad

running riot with carrots battering the cats



the fur would have flown meowing mercifully

the christmas day would have been ruined

with mad rabbits on the loose crucifying

sweet little pussy




terri my reply to chrsitmas rabbits poem


The owl and the pussy cat went to sea

he was hooting

because he was so dam horny

pussy was pleased because she came too

the dam horny owl  was such a good screw

he hooted she meowed and he flapped all day

well she purred and meowed

after each orgasm that  she had that day

they set sail bon voyage for a day at sea

little did she know what he had planned

and now six months  later

she has to face reality

mad hooting firballs

that fly around the home each day

hooting like mad and purring away

such a strange sight to see

there’s a moral to this story

you see

next time you have sex

make it safe too

wear a condom

and this wont happen to you

as an unexpected sexual encounter

may leave facing reality

just like the owl and pussy cat

that went to sea


They were sat in the kitchen

when an intruder walked in

ginnie and Jennie

said let fun begin

with a leap and pounce

much to its surprise

they had found a new  toy

this one was alive

its squealed and it jumped

they pounce with joy

well this is much better than any of our toys

it made a dash across the room

but soon realised it was there was no escape

as one pounced and the battered it too

they had caught their first mouse

it had no right in their room

it had no chance to survive and I couldn’t get near it too

as the pair of them ran off with it

and claimed victory too

ginnie and Jennie one mouse nil

was the score that day the moral of this story

is there is no room at the flat

for mice to stay

when ginnie and Jennie

come out to play.



Have you ever felt guilty in life for haveing something to eat   2 comments

Have you ever felt guilty in life for having some thing to eat

as eyes appear by your side and start scratching your feet

the cute ball of fluff is sitting there and manoeuvering around

having a good stare

like the advert on tv

when the man opens the milk and all the cats

turn up for a drink

in my case it was tin of mackerel

and her name was ginnie she is   5 month old kitten

two seconds ago she was now where to be seen

then the moment that tin was opened she was there

harassing me

from every angle but she didn’t care

with a nose like radar

she homed in on the tin

bangs goes my peaceful lunch

as i am now as guilty as sin.

a true story of what happened to-day ginnie the kitten. from Kevin

THEY DARED TO LOOK   3 comments

They dare to look and venture to

what a shock I heard there comments too

they thought I was asleep

they were mistaken too

they were reading my blog and my poetry too

i didn’t know he was religious

well sort of he is

isn’t he deep

his poetry is good

they thought I was asleep

what a shock someone had when they walked in

I looked at them and said

you have aired my dirty laundry out in public havent you

reading my poetry and passing comments too

a grin was witnessed and face went red with embarrassment too

a certain lady realized she had been rumbled and couldn’t argue too

so beware when you have family around and visitors too

they may have sneaky read of your blog

and pass comments too and make polite conversation

and talk about you too.

oh dear that’s it so embarrassing too

nowhere to hide or run too

my secret life of blogger and poet

is now in tatters too.


Easter is for bunnies and chocolate too

Easters is for hopping mad people

eating lots of chocolate like you

and what happens when chocolates gone

oh dear withdrawal symptoms set in and denial to

my you have put on weight my dear

don’t deny it I can see it on you

what do you mean my dear

well either you have put on weight

no dear your dreams have come true

what do you mean my dear

you a father shock horror

my nightmares come true

excuse me dear

I have news for you

marriage is over and divorce is due

I  am of to solicitors

its good-bye to you.

life of a son from birth at tea   11 comments

I came from the womb you gave birth to me

I was an interruption just as you were about to have tea

I apologise for the indigestion

well that is just me

I may not be perfect and can’t write much at all

I talk for hours you may think i am bore

but I’m your son and you love me to

life hasn’t been easy and I am sometimes a pain to

but if I wasn’t born I wouldn’t be here too

so you wouldn’t have anything to complain about

and life would be so smooth.

lara the cats message to otis the cat and the brothers   Leave a comment

i dare you to stroke me

Otis I hope your viewing this give me the catnip banana now or suffer the consequences.

Posted 14/04/2011 by 4valentines4words4poetry4you in cats, humour, words


My Name is Lara i am such cute and sweet kitty
full of fun and very adventurous to

I spend my life sleep eating and running berserk each day.

Kevin had a shock we he met me
he thought how sweet a little kitty
I had the last laugh there
he wasn’t impressed to

As ever I have driven him mad
scratched clawed and hissed and bit him to
as I’m Lara and I rule the roost to
Kevin’s just menial I am boss to

cats in the neighbour hood know me to
I may be small and they have had a shock to.
The huge ginger tom came out to play
he approached my window the other day,
I lay there wait and pounced on him to .
there was a scream cat style and a lot of hissing to.
He ran a mile i sat there made a warning scream to
Kevin tried to calm me he got bitten, scratched and clawed and hissed at to.

I am Lara don’t mess with me cute and sweet you think
we will see.

I a performer and work in cats circus to
I can regularly be seen performing
and balancing and doing my ballet for all to see
there airing frame is my stage as I balance up there
regularly climb and Kevin stops and stares

The window sills are good to as

I watch and spy my next victims
and those dodgy birds to.
They may sing and tweet at dawn each day
but when the see me they just fly away
ill just wait and then stalk them to..

A big black cat was sunbathing to
what a cheek on my bloody roof to,
he had a shock, as I carefully crept up to him to.
As i lea pt of a ledge and pounced on him to
a cats scream was heard as he was shocked to
he’s met Lara he knows whose boss now to.

well its time to go and get some tea, my servant
and owner Kevin best have it ready for me.

Or he will be in trouble I dare him to stroke me
the sweet and innocent little kitty cute maybe
then you have a shock I am Lara you see.

bye for now bye from kitty .

Posted 24/03/2011 by 4valentines4words4poetry4you in humour, life, poems, poetry

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Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.


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