Archive for the ‘humour’ Category
Santa had a dream of buying motorised sleigh
and was penny-pinching on the night
before christmas day
just as his reindeer decided to go on strike
on that fateful evening before christmas night
they complained so bitterly
of all the hard work they had done throughout the year
and wages weren’t good enough
to buy food and beer
you want us to work
you had better bring on
the christmas cheer
what do you mean I pay you a decent wage
what gruel, stale water and yesterdays stew
we want the pounds not the pence
hooves stamped up and down santa sat crying tears
why now why this year
you will have all the children
crying and buckets fall of tears
enough is enough
Rudolph was heard to say
as hooves stamped up and down
while santa cried with dismay
well Ebenezer santa Scrooge give us a pay rise
and well move our hooves
we have basic rights just like you
christmas comes but once a year
so how about some christmas cheer
so steak and chips and with plenty off beer
and lots mulled wine and decent pay
and we will stay and work for you today
with a christmas bonus thrown in too
is this too much to ask off you
and not a pot of gruel and stale water each day
do we deserve to be treated this way
we know are rights and we are being abused
as hooves stamped up and down
too a chorus off
we are not amused
we are not amused
pounds and pence
pounds and pence
not gruel and stew
well Ebenezer santa Scrooge
if you want these presents delivered by christmas day
you had better make a decision
and we will be on our way
or they’re will be riots this christmas day
as children and parents bitterly complain
and unions will end up sacking you
your monopoly over christmas and presents
would have had its day
that would be the end of santa s rule
over christmas day
no more santa s he heh he
the story will appear in the papers
for people to see
as Rudolph and his rebellious reindeer’s
had the last laugh going on strike
on christmas eve
as Ebenezer santa Scrooge
retired to count his losses today
the story of santa clause
had long passed away
an old tradition ruined
by a naughty reindeer
and his wicked ways
moral of story is give your staff
a decent pay
or suffer same fate this christmas day
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Rabbits running riot running so free
cute little bunnies very sweet like you
made nice little dinner and a snack or two
only problem was fur gets between my teeth
whilst hopping so madly whilst i am trying to eat
if they weren’t so cute and didn’t hop so madly
I would have let them run free
then christmas dinner would have been so sad
on what would have been such a good day
would have been turned mad
with floppy eared carrot crunchers
driving me mad
running riot with carrots battering the cats
the fur would have flown meowing mercifully
the christmas day would have been ruined
with mad rabbits on the loose crucifying
sweet little pussy
terri my reply to chrsitmas rabbits poem
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The owl and the pussy cat went to sea
he was hooting
because he was so dam horny
pussy was pleased because she came too
the dam horny owl was such a good screw
he hooted she meowed and he flapped all day
well she purred and meowed
after each orgasm that she had that day
they set sail bon voyage for a day at sea
little did she know what he had planned
and now six months later
she has to face reality
mad hooting firballs
that fly around the home each day
hooting like mad and purring away
such a strange sight to see
there’s a moral to this story
you see
next time you have sex
make it safe too
wear a condom
and this wont happen to you
as an unexpected sexual encounter
may leave facing reality
just like the owl and pussy cat
that went to sea
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They were sat in the kitchen
when an intruder walked in
ginnie and Jennie
said let fun begin
with a leap and pounce
much to its surprise
they had found a new toy
this one was alive
its squealed and it jumped
they pounce with joy
well this is much better than any of our toys
it made a dash across the room
but soon realised it was there was no escape
as one pounced and the battered it too
they had caught their first mouse
it had no right in their room
it had no chance to survive and I couldn’t get near it too
as the pair of them ran off with it
and claimed victory too
ginnie and Jennie one mouse nil
was the score that day the moral of this story
is there is no room at the flat
for mice to stay
when ginnie and Jennie
come out to play.
LATEST SCORE 2 -0
KITTENS WIN CAT AND MOUSE LEAGUE THIS SEASON. PEST CONTROL REF COULDNT STOP THE RIOT ON THE PITCH KITTENS SENT OFF FOR UNREASONABLE BEHAVIOUR.
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Have you ever felt guilty in life for having some thing to eat
as eyes appear by your side and start scratching your feet
the cute ball of fluff is sitting there and manoeuvering around
having a good stare
like the advert on tv
when the man opens the milk and all the cats
turn up for a drink
in my case it was tin of mackerel
and her name was ginnie she is 5 month old kitten
two seconds ago she was now where to be seen
then the moment that tin was opened she was there
harassing me
from every angle but she didn’t care
with a nose like radar
she homed in on the tin
bangs goes my peaceful lunch
as i am now as guilty as sin.
a true story of what happened to-day ginnie the kitten. from Kevin
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They dare to look and venture to
what a shock I heard there comments too
they thought I was asleep
they were mistaken too
they were reading my blog and my poetry too
i didn’t know he was religious
well sort of he is
isn’t he deep
his poetry is good
they thought I was asleep
what a shock someone had when they walked in
I looked at them and said
you have aired my dirty laundry out in public havent you
reading my poetry and passing comments too
a grin was witnessed and face went red with embarrassment too
a certain lady realized she had been rumbled and couldn’t argue too
so beware when you have family around and visitors too
they may have sneaky read of your blog
and pass comments too and make polite conversation
and talk about you too.
oh dear that’s it so embarrassing too
nowhere to hide or run too
my secret life of blogger and poet
is now in tatters too.
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Easter is for bunnies and chocolate too
Easters is for hopping mad people
eating lots of chocolate like you
and what happens when chocolates gone
oh dear withdrawal symptoms set in and denial to
my you have put on weight my dear
don’t deny it I can see it on you
what do you mean my dear
well either you have put on weight
no dear your dreams have come true
what do you mean my dear
you a father shock horror
my nightmares come true
excuse me dear
I have news for you
marriage is over and divorce is due
I am of to solicitors
its good-bye to you.
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I came from the womb you gave birth to me
I was an interruption just as you were about to have tea
I apologise for the indigestion
well that is just me
I may not be perfect and can’t write much at all
I talk for hours you may think i am bore
but I’m your son and you love me to
life hasn’t been easy and I am sometimes a pain to
but if I wasn’t born I wouldn’t be here too
so you wouldn’t have anything to complain about
and life would be so smooth.
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i dare you to stroke me
Otis I hope your viewing this give me the catnip banana now or suffer the consequences.
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My Name is Lara i am such cute and sweet kitty
full of fun and very adventurous to
I spend my life sleep eating and running berserk each day.
Kevin had a shock we he met me
he thought how sweet a little kitty
I had the last laugh there
he wasn’t impressed to
As ever I have driven him mad
scratched clawed and hissed and bit him to
as I’m Lara and I rule the roost to
Kevin’s just menial I am boss to
cats in the neighbour hood know me to
I may be small and they have had a shock to.
The huge ginger tom came out to play
he approached my window the other day,
I lay there wait and pounced on him to .
there was a scream cat style and a lot of hissing to.
He ran a mile i sat there made a warning scream to
Kevin tried to calm me he got bitten, scratched and clawed and hissed at to.
I am Lara don’t mess with me cute and sweet you think
we will see.
I a performer and work in cats circus to
I can regularly be seen performing
and balancing and doing my ballet for all to see
there airing frame is my stage as I balance up there
regularly climb and Kevin stops and stares
The window sills are good to as
I watch and spy my next victims
and those dodgy birds to.
They may sing and tweet at dawn each day
but when the see me they just fly away
ill just wait and then stalk them to..
A big black cat was sunbathing to
what a cheek on my bloody roof to,
he had a shock, as I carefully crept up to him to.
As i lea pt of a ledge and pounced on him to
a cats scream was heard as he was shocked to
he’s met Lara he knows whose boss now to.
well its time to go and get some tea, my servant
and owner Kevin best have it ready for me.
Or he will be in trouble I dare him to stroke me
the sweet and innocent little kitty cute maybe
then you have a shock I am Lara you see.
bye for now bye from kitty .
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